Seeing as Valentines day is on the horizon I thought I would treat my lovely readers to a good laugh. Before I met the wonderful Grumpy Dad I went through rather a dry patch on the dating front. So much so that I decided that my only choice was to try internet dating.
Now, I know that many, many people do find love internet dating, however, it is also the last resort for many and is swimming with cougars, dirty old men, people just out for a shag and some scarily bitter people who should possibly come to terms with their last relationship before starting a new one.
To get started on internet dating you need to have to post a few photos of yourself that don’t make you look demented and write a profile which doesn’t make you look like a nutter. This is where a lot of internet daters fall down, as five minutes of searching will usually bring up a whole host of men who think the best way to attract women is to post semi-nude photos, followed by a profile which complains that women never go for “nice” guys like them. I dread to think what the women post but I’m sure it’s no better.
Once you’ve posted a profile the next step is to either wait for people to knock your door down, or take the initiative and send a message to anyone who takes your fancy and doesn’t look like a complete nutter… Not looking like a complete nutter is no guarantee that they aren’t in fact, a nutter.
So, without further ado, here are my top 3 internet dating disasters…
Hart of Gold
The first in my line up of awful dates seemed nice enough to begin with, dull as dishwater but I was hoping that would improve on better acquaintance. I still wasn’t sure about him by the third date when he told me a story that left me completely confounded.
A couple of years previously he had a best friend (Lets call him Sam). He and Sam were very close and hung around with a group of friends together. Sam’s parent’s lived by the sea and the group would often go to stay in their house, where Sam’s mum would cook and fuss over them. Sadly Sam’s mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and unsurprisingly Sam was really upset. It’s times like these that you look to your friends for support. Unfortunately Sam’s friends were rubbish. As soon as my date found out about Sam’s mum, he and the rest of Sam’s friends got together and decided that Sam would now be hard work and that his low mood would bring everyone down, so they would do the only thing that made sense and drop him completely.
I cannot fathom why this chap thought that story showed him in a good light and he seemed completely bemused when I said he should have been there for his friend… Needless to say, there was not a fourth date.
It’s not me, it’s you
My second dating disaster was, well, not even a date…
Some dating sites have a messenger system which I used to avoid, apart from once. On a whim I clicked accept. I the guy making slightly uncomfortable comments for about 5 minutes, during which time I looked at his profile which was so bitter it made my teeth itch. Then instead of leading him on I politely told him that hes seemed nice but wasn’t my type and wished him well.
The following “break uk” conversation lasted about half an hour as he demanded to know what my type was and why if he was a nice guy I didn’t like him. I wish I could transport back to and inform him that he was not a nice guy, he was a scary, needy and aggressive. But my younger self was far too polite and so sat through it all patiently trying to let him down gently.
Do you like me yet?
My final internet dating disaster is was my most persistent. After signing up on a new dating site I decided that I would just be brave and jump right in. So when a chap asked me to meet him for a drink that very night I thought, what the hell.
We met in my favorite pub where he mocked me for ordering a soft drink, complained loudly about the pub being busy and then stood their like a mannequin while I tried to coax a conversation out of him. I was just about to nip to the loo (and escape out of the window) when he said that I’d only agreed to one drink and asked what I’d like to do next. I made a lame excuse about needing to work and he insisted on walking me to my car. The walk was awkward and quiet and I mostly spent it trying to position my keys into a knuckle duster formation, just in case he was a pervert.
On reaching my car he stood behind it, staring at me in quite an alarming manner and continued to do so as I used all the standard “please go away now” signals such as saying “This is me”, “Night” and “Nice meeting you”. In the end I reverted to painfully polite mode, shook his hand and jumped in my car determined to run him over if he didn’t move.
When I got home I settled down with a nice cup of tea and an episode of Grey’s, only to receive a text from him asking how it went. I politely told him that I wished him well but there was no chemistry so I didn’t want to meet again, to which he replied that this was my fault as he would have kissed me if I hadn’t shook his hand. I politely informed him that if he had tried I would have broken his jaw and bid him good night.
This should have been an end to it but a month latter he messaged me asking if I wanted to go for a drink. I told him no in no uncertain terms and asked him to delete my number… A few weeks after that I was telling a friend the story and showed her his profile (So that she could avoid him), 5 minutes later I received a text saying “I see you’ve been looking at my profile again, you’re still interested then?” I didn’t answer and thanked my lucky stars that he had no idea where I lived!
Six months after that I received a text from an unknown number asking me if I wanted to go for a drink. It took half a dozen messages for me to work out who he was because he refused to tell me. He was convinced that I knew it was him and was joking with him. Of course as soon as I worked it out I couldn’t help but have a little fun with it by making increasingly outlandish guesses as to who he was “Are you that astronaut I met last week? I thought you were supposed to be on your way to Mars?!” Needless to say he didn’t text again.
I thank my lucky stars that I finally found Grumpy Dad (not through internet dating I might add) and despite his snoring, kicking me out of my own kitchen and talking over my favorite TV programs, I wouldn’t swap him for the world!
Have you experienced an internet dating disaster?